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Week 5 [03.04-09.04.2017] Comparing

I believe that at some point everyone compares himself to other people. Why?

Comparison is something that all of us know from the very beginning – for example parents compare one child with another (“When my son was 2 years old, he was already speaking with full sentences, while your son can’t tell what his name is.”). Most kids are compared   with someone else (“It’s just a scratch and you are crying, look at her – she had lost her leg and she’s not complaining”, “Kids in Africa don’t have got food and you don’t want to eat this carrot”) – and then those kids, as adults, follow suit.

Comparison may end up with two states – contentment or sadness. You can compare yourself with someone who will “win” or “lose” with you, just like in some competition. For example, you can compare looks, the prettier person will “win” and uglier “lose” – and it depends on you (your mood and needs) which one in this combination you will be. You can also compare non-measurable occurrences – this one is easy to think of, but difficult to prove. It may be just a feeling: “She surely prefers to be in a relationship with my friend, because he is more handsome than I am” – you don’t know it, but in your mind you lost with your friend and you can’t prove or deny it – even though it wasn’t said, and there is a great chance that it isn’t true, you’ve got a feeling that you’re worse than someone else, because you thought of comparison which makes you  worse.

How can we prevent from comparing ourselves to others and from side effects of comparing?

   1.       Be forgiving – for yourself

You’re just a human being. There are many situations which make you easily forget or forgive others, but you can’t forgive yourself – and you should. If you can forgive others, then you’re the one who deserves forgiveness.

   2.       Honest self-esteem

Be aware of your strengths and weaknesses – thanks to it you will be more resistant to side effects of a comparison and you won’t stay upset, because you know that you’re a valuable person.

   3.       Priorities

You have to think of what is important to you and do not bother yourself with other issues

Here you can watch Tom Shillue’s presentation on comparison:
   1)      Do you agree with tips? Is there anything you would like to add?
   2)      Can you think of any good and bad consequences of comparing yourself to others? 
   3)      Have you ever been comparing yourself to others? Why and what was the result?
   4)      Do you agree with Tom? Why?
   5)      What do you think of his presentation? If you could change it, to make it better, what would you do?

Comments

Unknown said…
I think that Tom hit the nail on the head with his presentation. I notoriously catch myself comparing myself to people who are more experienced, more intelligent or have more money than me. Then I fall into this cycle of self neglect that ends up with depressive thoughts and so one. Luckily I have some methods for breaking from this circle. I would add one remark to Tom's presentation:
When one starts comparing himself with others, his true goals become obscured with images of others people success. The pursuit for perfection in some field becomes pursuit for other people achievements, which is never healthy. Only when one will focus on his goals envy will be replaced with hard work and that is most probable way to achieve success in any field.
Unknown said…
I couldn't agree more
Unknown said…
I agree with these arguments in part. You should be confident. You shoudn't care about other people's opinions. It's better not to talk about some things. But of course it's not easy because every person has feelings. Opinions of other people are not always true sometimes it's better when you don't care because you know it's not like this.
About comparing people I will never forget what my mum said " look at your friend Maciek. He is learning all day. You should learn too. In other situation when I wanted to go somewhere and I said Maciek was coming my mum said "you don't have to do everything that Maciek does"
Unknown said…
Example you gave is the classic one, I would say. But it makes sense - to "take" what's good in others and to not to pay attention to their bad behavior. Maybe by seeing effects of others work you will be inspired enough to change something in your behavior/rutine/style of work?
Unknown said…
It all starts at the very beggining. We are born and from that time we're being compared with whole world around us. They say: "you've got your father's eyes, but your charakter is the one and the same as your mother's." They say: "Look at your friend/sister/brother, can't you be like he/she...?"
Then we start to understand the surrounding and we know that we should behave like sb else because that's what is expected of us. We meet friends, yet they also start to compare as to others and we do just the same. Teachers constantly compare as to ours siblings, other pupils, their children. Sad true is that vicious circle has no end.
Unknown said…
It may be destructive, when you are this worse person in comparison, but I believe it may be motivational, but it have to be made wisely. Don't tell kids they are so bad, because they are worse at something - show them, that they could be better.
Unknown said…
Unfortunately in most cases children are these worse in comparison, I guess that it is suppose to be motivational, yet for me it wasn't.
I believe Tom is right in that point that the most succesfull people, whom we usually envy money, popularity, hapiness etc
shouldn't be measure of the success, but it's incredibly difficult not to perceive them like this, focus on making a living and "just" being good at what we do.
Unknown said…
I agree. Those successful people shouldn't be, but are, a reference to what success is and what some people want to achieve. Like chasing someone was a goal, but what next?
Anonymous said…
Personally I agree with all these tips.
One thing that comes to my mind is may be as well an advantage as disadvantage. What I'm thinking about is comparing to others makes that we'd like to be better and have more because other people have. As I sad it may be an advantage because we keep on developing ourselves, keep on working, but it may cause our start in rat race. We will always want everything better bigger and more expensive no matter what happen, because there always be someone who has more than us.
I don't remember any serious situation when I was comparing myself to others. Situations when children are comparing their drawings at primary school isn't serious.
I agree that not always shoud care about other people's opinions. I hate when me compared with someone else. But, to my regret, comparing in this life can not be avoided. Since my childhood I was constantly compared to my friends, I remember even a teacher in junior classes told me: "Why can not you be like your best friend?". And all because I wasn't strong in the humanities, my whole life I was interested in engineering. And the people who surrounded me, believed that if I can not describe "how the sky is blue", then I can not do anything. Because of this, I thought that is true and I really can not do anything. Thanks to my parents, they explaining me that it isn't necessary to everyone listen and I'm not a 100 dollar bill that everyone likes. In the end, I just stopped listening to someone's comparison. Now, of course, I still sometimes compare myself with more successful people, but it's more like an attempt to write a plan how to achieve the same result.
Unknown said…
I agree - comparing to other may start some kind of rat race, when you are chasing someone - and then you change your role model and you're chasing someone else and you may end up chasing someone you probably don't even know instead of focus on yourself to be better than you 3 weeks ago or something like this.
Unknown said…
To be honest I hate being compared to others. Everyone is different I you can't just compare him to another different person.

Here are a few ideas to help stop comparing yourself to others:
-If it’s a specific person, just stop following them on social media. If you start to feel bad every time you see someone’s pictures, you need to cut yourself out of the loop or it will never end.
- Fill your feed with positivity. If you’re feeling bad about a specific thing (let’s say you feel like everyone else has longer legs, or that all your friends are better writers than you are), try to fill your social media feeds with positive vibes. Choose accounts that will make you feel good, and help you to accept and learn to love yourself. Choose body positivity, feminism, entrepreneurship groups, writer communities, and creative circles. Don’t spend all your time following models and Instagram sensations.
- Spend more time thinking about yourself. If you are surrounded by images of other people achieving things, it’s bound to make you feel bad, especially if you aren’t sure about what you want. Try to take some time to think about what YOU want to achieve. What do you see in your future? How do you want to grow? What kinds of activities do you want to engage in? Little by little, you’ll start to make it more about you, and less about them.
Unknown said…
I like your ideas, specially last one. I think that there is great difference between thinking about yourself and selfishness and people shouldn't be afraid of it. You should be an important person for yourself and I believe that most of the people, who suffer from comparing to others should treat themselves better.
I think that this tips are true and handy. Of course everybody is different and we cannot compare ourselves about every matter. Sometimes when I admire some people for being more kind, helpful, wise, have better car, more money or more experience in area of my interests than me, I start to feel a litle jealous thinking that I am much worse. This drives me to improve myself, but sometimes also makes me feel bad. It is something we shouldn't do anyway. I think that one person is better at one thing, but at the same time worse in something else. People shouldn't compare themselves, get jealous, but rather look at what they have and be grateful, because always you can get worse, sick, or loose something important for you. People just don't think about what they have so they don't appreciate it. Until they loose it.
Unknown said…
I don't understand people that are trying to look successful. Their target is to look better for someone, and it leads to some bad consequences - for example you have to do the things you are not interested in, just because it looks cool.
But sometimes I catch myself thinking about how another people perceive me: am I looking successful for them?

There is a lot of business is holding on people's comparison. Advertisement like "X_famous_person_X is already use PLAY/UPC/X_company_name_X. And what about you?" are disappointing.
Unknown said…
I like your approach - compare to make plan and achieve some goal. I think that reaping benefits from situation you don't like is important, because even from non comfortable situations you will get some benefit.
Unknown said…
This is true. There was a presentation on the course about enjoying little thinks and I think that this is related topic.
Unknown said…
I believe that the most important is to look successful for yourself. If you're confident with yourself, if you're pleased with what you got then other people will see it and perceive similar.
Michał Pycek said…
In my opinion comparing things, options and cases is a natural thing to do for us. We want to find out what is better and what is worse.
Moroeover, we tend to compare with other people which I think is not a positive thing to do, but yet it happens and sometimes works as motivation or demotivation to us.
Unknown said…
I would lied if I said that I didn't compare to other people. I think this start really early for example in the elementary school when you see that for classmates have better grades from you, of course you are jealous but it could be mobilizing for us to be better at something so comapring doesn't always have to be something bad but it should some borders and it shouldn't cause us depression. I like my life and I wouldn't like to exchange with someone I just want to improve something in my life to be better. It's important that we set ourselves realistic goals and slowly pursued them. Maybe we not to be the richest or most beautiful people in the world, but it's important that we strive to be happy.
Wojtek Kania said…
I think comparing may be very good for us. When you see successful man, but not in a brand new Ferrari, but with happy kids and you comparing with him it's good. But you don't have to think "well I'm a loser I don't have even girlfriend", but "I must do something to become happy like this guy". Comparing may be a very good motivation.
Unknown said…
I fully agree with all these tips. I have nothing to add.
Good consequence of comparing to other may be that we are going to be better, because when we notice that someone is good at something - we are also going to be just to equal to others.
One of bad consequences is fact that we may have some complexes trying to be perfect in everything we do.
At everyday life I'm trying not to compare as well anyone to others as myself to others. In my opinion every person is different and there's no point to compare each other.
This is a trap I usually fell into, I strike for perfection and therefore I very often compare myself many times to many differeny people, entirely forgetting that I'm just a human not capable to be perfect - being better than average person in given thing can already be considered achievement of some sort, yet I strike to be "the best", especially if it's a thing I really love doing, be it programming, playing video games, or likewise.

Thank you for very interesting article - I agree with all these tips, you reminded me that I should take it easy and stay happy instead of falling into a trap of sadness because I can't be as good as given person :).
Unknown said…
I fully agree with all these tips. I sometimes compare myself to "better" people than me. To those who have achieved a lot and I would like to achieve too. These people are my motivation.
I agree with these tips.I agree with these tips. When people are constantly comparing you see a successful person I think they see only one side of the coin , but for example what I had to sacrifice the person at the time of achieving the success they do not think and in my opinion it is very weighty.
Unknown said…
I agree. But it may be destrucive to everytime be demotivated by comparison or too look worse in it.
And it is natural, as we know it from the very beginning.
Unknown said…
I really like your approach.You're consciuos, self confident woman who knows pros and cons of comparison and won't let it hurt you, but you take what's good there.
Unknown said…
Yes! Your conclude is very important and it shows how important approach is. It may be negative, just to make you sad or it may be motivating.
Unknown said…
I like your comment. It is very important to see pros and cons of every action, for example comparing, but most important is to be self confident and satisfied with your life.
Unknown said…
I believe that you're at some planes you're better than people you're comparing yourself to, but you're focused on those trait you are worse than someone. If you fall in one of those traps please think of something you're good at or what makes you happy and confident and you'll see that this one "shortcoming" isn't important at all. I know that it isn't easy, but practice makes perfect and I know that it is worth
Unknown said…
That's great that in comparison you're looking for motivation. I believe that we can learn a lot from other people.
Unknown said…
Tom Shillue gave a good exaple at his presenatation. People are comparing and often jelaous of people, who are for example reacher, but they never think how many time you've spend working or how much did it cost.
Unknown said…
I was comparing myself to other people a lot in the past. It didn't give me a chance to live my life normally. I always thought something like: "Oh, ok, I made this achievement, but this friend made it one year earlier and acted wiser than me. She is smarter and more successful and so on and so on." I did this, but I didn't realize this before some moment when my boyfriend just lost his patience and asked me to stop comparing myself with others. At that moment I realized what I'm doing wrong and starting changing my attitude. It wasn't easy, but now I see huge changes in my life because of it. I'm looking for inspiration from more successful people, not comparison. I try to compare myself only with myself in the past.
Yes, I completely agree with these advice. I think that you can't compare yourself to others, because that can make you miserable, there are so many people who earn more then you will, who have better body etc. Comparing with others will not bring you anything good, of course sometimes we will think wow i want to have that much money etc. but we can't allow this thinking to downsize us. Like in Tom's presentation with that kind of thinking we are isolating one tiny aspect of their life, but we don't know much tough their live can be. We see only this side they want us to see but on the other side they can be unfulfilled. I think we should focus more on our lives, how to make them better, how to improve ourselves but we should do it only by looking at ourselves not in comparison with others, not to be like others but to find our own way to fulfill ourselves.
I think that comparing ourselves to other people may be really beneficial to our development but it can also bring us down.
Some people will thrive because when they compare themselves to other people they will try to be better and better.
Others however may get depressed when they compare themselves to some unreal vision of other people like celebrities or famous athletes.
That’s why I think that your tips are great :)
Unknown said…
Totally agree with every word Tom says. No need to compare your life to anyone's else. Workaholics look at their friends who have families and a few kids and think - what the heck? What is wrong with me? Blonds compare themselves to brunettes, fat people to slim, slim to sporty, men to women, women to men. The society makes us compare, and it could destroy your personality or make you depressive.
The other thing I hate about comparison - when something bad is going on in your life and you try to find the support, some people may say: "Come on, look at ..., he is ill, his wife had left him, and he lost his job! your problems are not so big" Yeah, right, but I feel sad now, and I don't want to compare my problems to anyone's else, 'cause it makes no sense at all. It is not supportive, it only makes you feel guilty for being weak.
By the way, psychologists say that if you feel bad, don't watch optimistic comedies about happy guys, other way you will compare yourself to them and would feel even worse.
Vyvyan said…
I agree with all the tips posted in presentation. My life is just my life and I don't need to compare it to another's. Of course I'm always will met people who has better skills than me, will have better look, will be smarter etc. But I don't care. Only I can decide about my life. If someone have more luck/abilities, good for him.
Good consequence:
- We can always be inspired by others and be better.
Bad consequence:
- We could become depressed.
In high school I was obsessed about comparing me to my classmates. But good people show me that they can love me the way I am and because of that I stopped comparing.
Maciej Główka said…
In my opinion comparing might be good to bad for us, it depends to whom we arę comparing ourselves. Comparing to someone more inteligent, someone who has much more experience In something or someone succesfull might make us better. On the other hand, comparing down to someone worse can make us quite lazily, we can think that we achirved everything we could and we can lay down the rest of our life.
Personally, I try to compare myself to much more experienced In different fields people. I think this might help me not to make some common mistakes that young people do
Magdalena Popek said…
In my opinion these tips are really useful. When I was a child and I got any mark from a test my mother always asked me "and what did your friend got". I always got angry because why should she even care? Of course when my friend got a better mark she told me I could do better as he did. When he got a worse one, she said nothing.
Now I try not to compare to anyone else. I am myself and I am trying to do my best. I am the one I should be compared with.
I completely agree with Tom. You should just try to be the best version of yourself. There will ALWAYS be someone better than you, but this shouldn't affect you in any way. If you are happy with what you have and who you are - that's great. Why bothering that someone is better?
Adam Paśniczek said…
I agree with you that comparing has two faces. The bad and the good. When it does not increase our value it could be destructive for us. I think we should decide wisely whether it is worth or not. It is similar to everything we know in life. There is a need to find the golden mean. I know from my experience that comparing could be destroying to our perception of the world. It is a form of lying but we lie to ourselves. It would be better if people did not do so but it is easy to say. It seems to me that everyone makes that mistake at the beginning. But is time to enjoy life and being yourself.
I think we shouldn't compare ourselves to other people. I totally agree with Tom's speech. People should be confident about their life and opinions. There will always be someone who is better than you in some way, so comparing to other people doesn't make sense. Just mind your business and work hard for your future and you will be a happy person.
Comparing ourselves to others can motivate us to be better at certain things. But I prefer to have an authority to relate. I try to not compare myself with others, because it is associated with
jealousy. I like to admire someone for his achievements it motivates me to work harder.
Unknown said…
Comparing is an automatic feature of our brains, can't help it much. Just don't worry about it.
Unknown said…
It's hard to live without comparing ourselves to others, it just happens naturally. Obviously it often causes a lot of problems, low self esteem and high expectations. But I agree with the presentation, while some people seem way more successful than us - they too had their struggles just as we have ours. I agree it should be about improving our own live, not making it look like someone's else life.
Unknown said…
Good for you. I believe that this change will make your life easier and you will get rid of unnecessary trouble.
Unknown said…
What you've said is really important. When we compare with others we are very unfair - for us and the other person. We see only the aspect we compare, but not the rest - conditions,involvment
Unknown said…
Thank you. It would be great if everyone could take only the very best from comparison.
Unknown said…
I feel the same way. When I'm sad or angry the fact, that someone else has got problem, not necessary even similar to mine, and got succeded doesn't matter in this area. Ok, glad for him, but it doesn't change a thing.
Unknown said…
It would be great if everyone has such great people around, who would show them what really matter.
Unknown said…
If you can take advantages from comparing and you are motivated thanks to it then good for you.
Unknown said…
I couldn't agree more. What you've said is very important and I believe everyone should read it and think about it.
Unknown said…
I really like you comment and what you've said about golden mean is very important.
Unknown said…
Strict and on point. I like your point of view.
Unknown said…
You put it in very nice words I can relate too.
Unknown said…
I've got nothing to add. You're on point.
Unknown said…
Well i think is good pratice to comparing ourself to "better" people who achive more and try to do similar thing. I think is good because we can rememeber how they do this and go in smiliar way.
Unknown said…
But on the other hand you can get upset becasue of being worse than someone else.
Ihor Ahnianikov said…
I think that comparing yourself to others doesn't make sense, it can make you miserable. Evaluating goals and achievements using the absolute scale can be a better solution for being happy with what you have while improving yourself.
Bartosz Łyżwa said…
In my opinion, comparing yourself to others makes sens sometimes. Of course those tips are useful but I have the best tip ever - you're unique if you're yourself and unique things are better than usual :). Sometimes I compare myself to others but not in a way I'm looking worse things in me. I'm rather looking for those things that I could improve with no costs or rather low cost.
Unknown said…
Tips are fine, comparing yourself to others can be good, cause it force us to be "better" but if We compare ourselves for example to an millionaire with enormous amount of money it can be depressive :D
Result of comparison should be desire of making yourself better - not making someone worse.
Interesting article, thanks

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