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Week 1 [11-17.03.19] How to get on with someone you hate at work

Watch the video at https://www.bbc.com/ideas/videos/how-to-get-on-with-someone-you-hate-at-work/p072bwd0 and comment on it. Present your personal experiences and solutions to the problem.

Comments

When I was at my first job as a programmer I hated it. Mostly because of people. Project itself was ultra boring and made in technologies from medieval, but it was kind of because of the people from project. Good engineers creates good project. So, getting back to people, all of them was quite horrible - starting with other junior dev and ending at seniors, PM or CEO.
When you work as a coder you probably do not have problem with finding other job. So my advice would be: If you do not feel well at your current job, change it. That's what I did and it was one of my best choices ever.
Sometimes there may be a situation that you are not looking forward to changing job, because they pay you well or it's well known company, but for my being happy and having life without unneeded stress is more important.
I am not that person who would "hate"somebody at work. I am just trying to get along with everybody. It is much easier and much mor interesting to get along with everybody and see the "both sides of the medal". I once was a member of volunteer organisation, and there, of course were people whom I liked and whom I didn't. But there was one lady, who was my biggest "enemy" since the school years. And she was really surprised that I have acted kindly with here. In a while, we have forgotten all of our fights, and even made a mutual project. So, just be good to people and you will be just fine!
I worked in a lot of different places, but luckily, i've never met a person who was really annoying and i used to hate him/her. In my opinion, we can find a solution for everybody and i don't believe people, who told me, that we can't do anything with the person, who is really annoying. I fully agree with speakers, who gave us useful tips in the video above. I'm a supporter of a golden rule, that was mentioned in the video - listen more, speak less. With this rule, without any doubt, your conversation will always be efficient and constructive.
All those soltions seem to be very useful! I have seen many difficult situations at work, and such toxic ones are the worst. Especially, because a conflict between two co-workers tend to cause more problems and involve more people the longer it lasts. It is propably the best option possible to deal with such situations as soon as possible.

However, as mentioned in the video, it takes a bit of effort to deal with, not only because of the other person, but also yourself. But I guarantee, it's worth to do it.
Nataliya Tkach said…
I partially agree with you. That the conflict between people involves more problems and when you're new to the company, it's clear on whose side will become colleagues. Because of this, it seems to me even more difficult to find a compromise and make some concessions. So it's better not to rape your emotions and find another job,maybe even better)
Anton Medvediev said…
Read all of comments and don't know what to add, agree with “listen more, speak less”, and with people from coment’s ;)
Want to add a nice history from a work of my friend.
“When I first started working at a new place, I noticed that one of my colleagues constantly gave people candy when they first met that day. So everyone was always glad to see him. He did the same with me, until one day I wondered if he was treating people with Pavlov’s methods. After that, I didn't get any more candy.”
Hate at work or outside of it can lead to serious conflicts. Of course, you should talk as soon as possible about problem. Unfortunately, conflict can not always be resolved. In such a situation, I would try to preserve professionalism. The situation is relatively simple if we are talking about loud eating or other annoying but not threatening behavior. The situation becomes more complicated when it comes to conflict of interest and the rate is high, then often only the court can solve the problem. From my own experience I can say that the culture of the organization can be completely different from my values ​​and my way of communicating. Then, it could be good to just go away and look for another company.
I don't hate my coworkers but I also don't particularly like them. They are just people I work with that I have to interact with at times and that's it.
The problem might be that some people are viewing coworkers, as people they have to have some sort of relationship with and talk to about things going on in their life. They absolutely don't. They can make it abundantly clear they're there to work and are not interested in being chummy. And it won't get them in any kind of trouble.
Adam Nguyen said…
I think everyone has a type of person that they don’t like. It’s easy just to avoid them, but if you have to work with them it could negatively affect your productivity. I remember one situation in particular. It was during a group project and one of the people in my team didn’t do anything. I hate when people count on their colleagues to do their job. Although, it is a common thing and could happen to anyone, this time was different for me.
I soon realised that one of my group mates was facing personal problems. I started chatting with him and offered help. I tried to put myself in his shoes and together we managed to find a solution. He later told me that at first he was afraid to admit he was struggling but everything turned out fine.
Maciej Sadoś said…
In my job I regularly meet various people which I have to cooperate with. I'm not a confrontational person and I always try to be kind to everybody, even if I don't like that person. Of course it doesn't mean that I've never meet anyone that would make my blood boil :-) Anyway I tend to solve any problem with a humor and positive attitude and it works in most cases.
I also agree with what was said in the video and in other comments that honest conversation with the one you hate is really important and could lead to some improvements in your relationship. Moreover a listening capabilities are also helpful in relationships which was also pointed out in the video.
My personal advice is - do not attack! Take it easy, think for a second and try to come up with some consensus. Put yourself in someone's shoes. It's better to calmly point out a mistake and to introduce some solution to a problem than to shout on people and attack them.
Since the beginning of my career I’ve been always surrounded by people that knew the most important aspect of the programmer’s job, which is constant self-development and seeking for the opportunity to grow. I am very grateful to those of them, who gave me the chance to enter the market and find the proper place in it. I have never experienced bad atmosphere at the workplace, nor did I have to solve any personal conflicts and even though I decided to leave some teams and try myself somewhere else, I still maintain contact with former co-workers. In my opinion if it turns out that keeping good relationships at work is not possible, the only solution is to keep it professional. In some countries including Poland, people are not familiar with separating private and business side of life which should not affect each other.
I have never worked before, but I guess that a nice atmosphere at work and cooperation brings very good results at company. So it is a very important factor that determines success or failure of your group project/work. That's why, in my opinion, when someone hates/don't like you at work, you have to try to improve your relationship. Try to get along. Listen more, speak less. Think for a second before you say something stupid, which causes a worsening of cooperation and mediocre results for you and toxic coworker. Try to fix bad relations and everything will be fine. But of course, there are such exceptional situations that you can't get along with others, so it's best to look for another job. A great project or a well-paid salary isn't the most important thing. Mental health is the most important and we must take care of this.
Bartosz Barnat said…
I started working recently and I don't know many people that would annoy me that much. Some of them were annoying but it was just because they felt like they are better from everyone else. This video was really helpful for me. I think that we really should focus on understanding other person's viewpoint and try to tell them what they are doing wrong because in many occasions it's just impossible to deal with the problem without a genuine conversation. I highly recommend everyone to deal with the problem and stop cutting of from the problem and just deal with it.
First of all, I haven't been in that situation before because in my last and acctualy first job I was working from home but I guess I would find a way to get along with everyone. The main skill of a software engineer is to find a solution to the problem so why wouldn't implement it to your relations with other people from your job.
Yana Lytvynenko said…
We are often at work faced with such a problem. Since we do not select colleagues for work, like as friends, for example. That is why we should establish the most comfortable working relationship. I also faced with the fact that I did not like something into a colleague. And if I understood that this really prevents me from working, oh, I try to maximally tactfully tell the human about it and solve problem as quickly as possible. Because, unfortunately, people are not telepathy and cannot read your thoughts, so that would change the situation it is necessary to say, and not to expect that the person himself will guess the reason of your dissatisfied sigh.
Anna Koca said…
I agree with Andrzej Niewiadomski, that, whenever you feel that the conflict, or the general atmosphere at work has escalated to the point that it is unbearable for you, it is no shame to change that workplace. Don't worry that others may see that as giving up or that it may not seem constructive. You don't have to please other people you work with, and by quitting and changing job you may just as well be clearing the atmosphere for them too. However, if the problem is a mild one, or it appeared after time of getting along just fine, it is good to have a chat with a person you're in conflict with. Maybe there has happened something you hadn't realized before? Maybe you do something and you're unaware? Although it may be challenging to approach a person, sometimes a talk is a simplest solution.
This idealistic "speak less, listen more" agenda is never going to happen in 100%. It is just impossible to be prefect human being. Also hate isn't a problem itself. The way how one is projecting their hate is. For example, despising you colleague can lead to faster self development because you want leave your work place so you work as hard as you can to be better specialist and move on to better place. However, I agree with openly talking about your issues within workplace. It most probably will lead to swift solution. And in the end you don't work in concentration camp - If you can't stand the atmosphere in work and there is nothing you can do about that, just change your work.
I think "trying to get on with someone you hate" is a horrible life strategy, no matter in what kind of environmetn, especially working one. If you don't like people you work with try to change the situation, if it is not possible change the work. The market economy can be applied to anything if company encourages bad behaviour among it's employees or does nothing about it no one should work there and that way such company will be forced to make a change or perish.
I think that points which were made in video are generally correct. If there is someone that you hate at work the worst possible way to deal with it is to attack and argue with them. I am definitely an open and outgoing person that like to talk with other people and always try to turn any problems into a joke. Fortunately, I have never encountered someone at work that I really, deeply hated so I couldn’t ever find out what is the best way to deal with such situation, but I think I would just openly talk with them, point out any problems and try to find an understanding. In general, I accept people as they are and rarely, I find anyone who really get on my nerves so I hope it will stay that way.
s18716 said…
I had to work with different people throughout my young career. Among them were people who earned respect, but there were also such people, unfortunately, with whom it was difficult to interact. But I did not make this a big problem. This of course took more energy and time.
At work, I try not to start a personal relationship, only professional relationships. Such a framework helps sensibly judge the situation. You are not looking for certain human qualities in a person, only professional skills. After all, you need to interact with them only at work, not in life.
Although I once met at work with one good friend. He turned out to be a boring employee, but a good man. If you fail to build professional relationships, get acquainted with his personal qualities, maybe he is not as bad as it seems.
I think that a word “hatred” is a really bold word to use. I’ve worked in 3 firms so far and I’d never hated anyone of my co-workers. Of course, there can be a few people who may be annoying for someone or not your type of guy. But we are all adults and you don’t have to be friends with everyone. You should be respectful, being kind is also important, but you don’t have to befriend every co-worker. All people in the group have common aim – to do an excellent work. So we should cooperate to do it, but it doesn’t mean you have to bond. The tips in the video are helpful, but a little bit obvious for me. As I’m constantly working in my workplace with a lot o people and also cooperating with scout group members, these tips is known for me for years. When you work with a group of various people you have to learn to get along.
I recently started working and have already changed several employers. Frankly, it was not because of problems with the team, more because of not fulfilling the promises of the employer. Thus it was necessary to replace the employer. In my practice, I have not met a person who is annoying. Although I have heard many times that such situations are quite possible. In most cases, my work excludes the presence of a person (except me =)). Because of this, I am limited in communication with a person.
From my experience there was only one person through whom I did not want to work with her.
I could not focus on her work and every day I thought what he would say. I was also thinking about changing jobs
I managed to limit conversations with this person to a minimum and tried to talk only about work. I talked to that person later
and explained what bothered me. Since that conversation, I have no problem with a disliked colleague
Glad to see that so many people here give the good advice. If you cannot stand your workplace, change it. The video makes some valid points, if you assume that a misunderstanding is at the root of the problem. If you find something about a colleague unbearable and never point it out, that's your mistake. Constructive criticism is a kindness, not a slight. My five cents to this scenario would be: never antagonize real people. Very few individuals go out of their way to annoy you, most just fail to spare a thought for their fellow man.
Still, we've all met unreformable people. In my experience, when someone is being toxic on a regular basis the best way to curb them is usually crowd pressure. Reach out to your fellow workers first, and your supervisor second. If they remain uncorrected, you should probably change your environment.
How you get on with someone you hate at work all depend on what kind of position he has, and why you hate him. If situation is simple like bad breath, loud eating or another similar think you could tell him about this in private or left him a note.
But if situation is more complicate like that person is lazy, make some problem for you, or it’s your boss and communication is not working, you could minimize speaking to that person face to face as much as possible and communicated via email so that every interaction was documented. Also, if you hate most of the people that you work with, then maybe you are the problem and should work on yourself. Sometimes the reason you don't like a co-worker is that the person has the same bad habits that you do, is always criticizing you, or telling you what to do. Ask yourself if these complaints are valid.
ExoKuzo said…
I rarely have anyone i dislike so much that it would hinder our ability to work together, but if such person appears (once in a blue moon) i usually just space out and try to isolate what bothers me about them so much. Once thats done i simply try to change it sm1 is always late? lets arrange meeting with spare time at the start, sm1 is loud ? Call out for quite conversation. If for some reason we cannot come to "working terms" i straight up announce that and move on. Some of us cant be changed some of us can for better, we just need to communicate properly.
I think that's a good step-by-step guide to solving a tough work situation, and although each case is different I believe that this advice can be used as a good starting point. When studying in Poznan I was tasked to work on a project with a very lazy and simply irritating (to me) colleague. I had to finish the project with him so there was no way of avoiding the confrontation. I decided to take over the initiative by asking him the right questions. I made sure to word my questions in a way that forced him to give me an opinionated answer. This way I not only made him work but I also was able to make him feel connected to the project- it suddenly became part of his opinion and convictions and by the time any of us realized we were both working equally hard on getting the project done.

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